New Website

Hey guys check out my website on : www.ahdiniizzatika.com :)))

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Study Abroad

so here we go. It is the time.

I have never really predicted that I am going to stay there, I am not very into future fantasy kind of person. But really, the email and call that's coming is such a reality slap. It really is time to go. Oh sh, i dont mean to be dramatic really. haha.

So yeah, Singapore.

It is weird feeling, a mix of excitement and the anxiety at the same times. I am excited about living alone, and stand all by my self being responsible of each thing I do. But I am anxious too about the social life. I did a little research recently and found many sources said that Singaporeans are very individual people. It is not about "good" or bad", it is about the culture shock I will probably have to face, coming from a country where society is so warm and friendly toward each other. So yeah, I hope i can soon be cool with it.

by the way, I am leaving in 3 July, around a month or so. I'll be studying Fine art in Nanyang Academy of Fine Art. the most unsustainable job anyone can have after. But hey we are not robots we are human with millions of brain cells, we can always find away if we want to.

SO

Just wish me luck!

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Mood Attack (again) and Portrait Painting : Aning

It is only two days more of these very beneficial national exam until i can smell a... Fresh air of long holiday!!

Those coming days are either gonna swoosh me into a very better state of me, with a lot of works and projects done along the soul growth, or they will be just like another day badly spent just like what i had done to my weekend. 

There were many to-do list rushing in my head recently, but i was in a messed up mode that they all turned blank and it stressed me even more. I lost my handle over so many things. Emotions were eating me and all the things I could have done. Now I am trying to get out of the dirt. The best simple thing to do that is, by doing the simple thing that you have long proscatinated, or avoided. and be present as much as you can. Thoughts are coming to show you that you can't, but thoughts aren't even as real as  dust. 

So i did something and tried all my best to feel it, to get real about what was there and what was not. I did exercise and also paint even though i did not want to, basically i did whatever as i tried to swipe all these parasite thoughts.

So here we go.

My last post was about a painting of my very good friend Aliyah. After I posted it on instagram, one of my friend asked me to do a comissioned portrait of her face.

And this is the first painting after awhile where I purposely made it in a rush at the beginning so I could give full concetration and let the thoughts subsided. Slowly. 

The struggle was constant.

This is a painting of my beautiful friend, Aning. She likes yellow, and madly in love with yellow tulips.

 

Face sketch using a pen brush over dried acrylic background. This part is a lecture for my inner impatient dragon! Whenever i see this picture, i got reminded that it was often not easy at the beginning and i need to get used to it.

The color was all intuitive and i often not washing my brush.

And here we go.

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Portrait Painting : Aliyah

my first time to find this one kind ever, and no regret!

At first she seems pushing away people, by throwing the most of "I don't want you." face, enough to get them pretty intimidated, enough for you to crash your smile into an auto awkward mode, enough to break your "hi" into a shaky, squeaky tone. Get to know her better until you can chill with it.

She could dig out all of her opinion about someone or something, all explained from A to Z. Don't forget to add some more spicy words, that's how she marks her presence. People might think she is not a really positive person, that is a sign that you need to get to know her better!

She says it all out, the honest answer most of people won't be brave enough to say. Her mouth is a stream line where the words are rushing out. I could listen to her same story over three times, for she is so into telling a story and she wont stop until (almost) all of her inner circle hear it. And as I am still around, I could mumble in mind the words coming next as she went on talking to other. Her words might at first seem judgemental, but hey that is what all of the people do, people judge. the difference is, some keep it all buried inside with the hatred secretly carried away, and some others pour it all out. Not to say to keep on judging, of course. But really, sometimes her honest opinion and answer is actually something you want to hear, or something you want others to hear, because you're not there yet to give away your honest opinion.

Even though she won't filter her mouth for the people she doesn't really like, she is pretty careful toward people she cares about, people she likes to be around with.

She doesn't really like being judged, she hates people judging herself, but the cool thing is she is not that fearful with judgement that it doesn't stop her from saying what she wants to say. Sometimes I wish her to shut up becauseI I am the one worrying herself being judged. I think once she stands on a true ground, she will be a hero of many.

For her, it is better to get out of crowd where she feels out of place and be alone, than trying to fit in to something far off from her personal preference or idealism. Not to say it is good or bad, but the ideas of not fearing to stand out of crowd is quite something.

Once she likes and loves someone, she will accept that person in and out, stand for that person, defend what she/he thinks is right, no matter what other people think. I see it myself.

Her face says it all! Her facial expression is the most honest truth she can say without words. Once she feels sad, it is like the heavy dark cloud following her all the way she goes. Her mind is all stormy and no matter how hard she try to curve her lips to smile, you still know something is wrong. And there is not much anybody can do to help her day shining again, unless to just let it flow and let everything around naturally play roles.

She won't say anything nice for one she does not think deserve. Vice versa.

I love it when she is so pumped up that she might burst out into a silly idiot girl. She might call my name from distance, with the excitement she came to me running and smiling and told me story and jokes. It is just a simple story and sometimes not that exciting too (HEHE), but damn yea who cares when all you can see is such a damn wide smile and the voice that breaks into laughter. It does not happen everyday (193x more often since she broke up) but once this day comes, she is like a dynamite sun, wide smile is carried wherever she goes, she says a nice honest thing we won't all confident enough to say.

I think once she can let go of her burden and whatever it is that she put on her back, and love herself more and more, she would become that most honesttt, brave, and happppiiiieeesttt girl alive!!


So one time she asked me to make a portrait painting of her. I have never done any on canvas before, and i thought it would be a nice first experiment with colors. So I tried.

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Overthinking

If i scan through my posts, most are talking around productivity and laziness because they are what i am struggling with. Whenever I got so uncomfortably comfortable with my laziness by doing nothing, I can feel the depression is slowly coming into surface. In my case, doing nothing means not doing things for the purpose of improvement, doing something just for a very short term pleasure, or doing something as an escape of what I should've been doing.

Thoughts are very powerful and whenever I feel powerless to stop its wild move, their projection image of how comfortable it is to not doing any can make me lay on the bed all the day, checking on smartphone back and forth, while there is no notification or any urgent message coming. Keep on going this way and i'll find myself hating my life for how boring it was all.

It happens to me quite often, even when i could feel the urge inside of me to do something, i just seem could not help it for I was being controlled by my negative mind which keep making excuse. The Owner of house has been controlled by the guest! Imagine how terrible it is.

I try to do something more by being conscious of my energy along the way, hopefully it lets my mindset know how to be literally back to present. How to not get flown by my not-so-positive thoughts. How the house Owner has slowly back in control. Because whenever I can feel something, it is actually a good sign. I hate when I feel empty yet my thoughts are rushing elsewhere.

By the way, there is One thing that comes to my understanding about art recently. on behind the scene they are lies that put on  together to explain a very real concept which we can relate to so much thing with our real life. 

Or sometimes the artwork just somehow transfer the energy which words fail to understand.

I once heard a quote from Picasso which more or less sounds : "art is a lie that reminds you of reality"

After an experience with the sewing thread and roses on the previous post, i went on with any object caught on my sight. 

"Sail

For sea is waiting for play.

So go ahead untie your ship

Crash the wave

And play."

This one is accidentally interesting, Watch how light can totally change the impression of a face. 

With flash

Without flash

Aiy Deep. :p

An overthinker sometimes has so much interesting view on their mind, the problem is that we think too much, the overloaded uncontrolled thought ends up hitting back banging bunch of excuse. A damn lots of pretty reasonable excuse, because it has got more skilled to make one! Imagone if you feed more power to its skill to tell you that you're not worthy.

So get the ship wheel back in hand, sir!

Btw the pics were taken by my phone. Not technically good at photography, i have never really learnt it, but hopefully enough to say something.

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Crumpling My Finger

My holiday was an half day being anxious. I felt pulled into the comfort zone of not doing anything but at the same time i knew it was not a right thing, i got to do lots of things. Big event and news will come ahead, so the preparation needs to get more into details. (I'm on the last year of high school) Life would become much much more tough and i got to get my self up to its level! (More is better) 

it's time to be persistent.

I am now on my attempt to get into my highest productivity as good as possible. To write, draw, whatever. Often I serve my self with a blank paper, Grabbing a tool in my hand I challenge my self to do something. I had no idea at all. The starting point usually went awkward, but as i went on the idea rushing over along the way, which I never expected. It is now quite addictive to know what's all buried down inside, what diamond would coming up on the surface, which we never know before.

Last night i got stroke by sudden brief idea to make something. I had bought 10 artcarton paper. I knew it would be useful for my project which was not a clear vision yet. So I decided to open it up on my desk, then went on with sewing thread and rose. The ideas of the objects just came along.

Soon i got busy with my finger.

hahaha the ending says it all!

I went on.

Be the beauty you want to love

Be the beauty you want to love

Be the beauty you want to love

Be the beauty you want to love

Be the beauty you want to love.

have a nice day.

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New Project

I am planning to have a new project ahead. I have to learn from my past experience on preparing more and more of details, as i am a bit impatient of everything and not into-the-detail-person. Here are what I've got so far.

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