#1. You Are...

Why do you think I become so depressed like this?

Because you’re a very real nice dude but sadly blind.

What?

Yea you won’t have your eyes really see the true you. You want others open their blindness while 

you are the one who is all blind! Get all the barriers away here! (swiping her eyes)

How do you assume that?

How do you pretend you won’t be assumed that way?

Hey!

Hey! Come on now, people like to be seen in a way they want to be seen. In a way to construct their delusional perfect image of themselves. My words are something you want to hear because it is something you never hear from yourself! Come, listen to me

What’s now?

You are beautiful

what?

(taking a mirror) watch your face, you’re blushed like a tomato. You know why?

Because.. I’m.. flattered?

Because you finally hear the word you want to hear all your life. 

but there are so many who is more than me.

and there are so many who thinks the way you do too.

So what I need to do more often is..

yes, look at me.

What are you doing??

Giving my self a warm hug. For all the weirdness..

For all the beauty that they don't want to have on screen

For my insecurity 

For the authentic me to be the one and only...

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#SoulPortrait. Meet The Authentic Harri

My second time to post this painting of my brother's face on my blog. Only this time I'm going to have a closer and deeper look on my brother.

Well I intend to have some posts as my sharing of a closer and deeper perspective about someone. So this whole post is not going to define the person, of course. this is my perspective, to dig in what i have seen and perceived all my life, in order to have something forgotten shown, to perceive  their specialty I have not realized all my life because i'm much distracted for something else.

okay, this guy. my 6 years older brother. (23 years old now)

He is actually a guy with a real lots interesting sides. They all mixed into one big dough, abstract shape and colors, which represents himself as a figure full of abstraction.

The first side I am attracted most is his silly abnormal nasty kiddo side. I think we all have this sides inside us, the only thing that makes it different is on how high one has reached the comfort to the level where he/she can show it all. And he does. Not to the all people, but still, once he feels comfortable, he would express it all the way out to the point of madness. His weirdness flows out like a rush of water stream. You know, the moment when you are just so pumped up that you can not hold it all inside? I love that energy and sometimes he shows me that.

He is quite free expressing himself, so it does make sense when arts become the things he put interest on. (photography, music, painting). He makes a creation because he likes it and enjoys them along the way. If he has a better self consistency, he surely has been such an experts on so many things. And guess what is his big mistake so far? he is mistakken for taking a major which is 180' the way round to his personality. he was taking public administration and now on his effort to finish the shit.

Despite all of that, he does what he likes and skip what he does not. At first I thought he was quite cynicle with the mainstream tastes : the songs most played by teens nowadays, no. the outfits mostly used by people at his age, no. But I think that's because he holds his personal tastes that does not fit society. He has authentic tastes over a lot of things and he is okay with that. Well that does make my dad often feels the urge to buy him one whole new wardrobe. Really, think about this : As the graduated student, He comes to the highschool wearing a very chill printed beach pattern shirt, a shabby pant to the knee, hair all smooth and uncut, and swallow sandal. (swallow is on highest level of chill-cheap-downtoearth-ruber-sandal). Even most of the driver man there looks 10x more classy than him. but dude he is comfortable with that so even at first people think the way my dad does (wardrobe thingy), finally people feel okay with that too. yeah still with "harriii, harri." and shook their head.

He had a lot of silly moments i caught my eyes, and sometimes i was in too. He lied on the floor and I grasped his ankle tight and slide him around the living room to the kitchen back to the living room again, like he is a corpse. He often danced like a stupid drunk man and once he noticed it was a nice move, he repeated it over and over again and proud of himself, then said to me
"Din, can you do that?"
"what?"
"this." (he shows the move)
"no."
"come on you can."
"no."
"you bastard. come on follow me." then i follow and he laughed at me.

or sometimes
"din come up help my drawing"
*i kept silent because i was too lazy to move*
"Din!" ........
"Din!!!!" ..........
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN"
he does not stop until i get annoyed enough to stay.

or, for example like this
him : "what a wrinkled ugly banana!!" (after the statement, he looks at me with his ultimate idiot face)
me : ....
him : "ya??" (asking agreement, means 'right??')
i kept silent looking at him, wanted to know whats next come out
"ya???"
....
"ya???"
....
"ya??????"
.........
"ah you! say something. yaa?????????"
"........"
"yaa?????????????????"
"YAAAAA!!"
"nah" and then he put a big smile.
I dont know what did satisfy him with a fucking "ya".

And also, he is really easy affected by what he see and think is cool, in unusual way.
he google about ayam bangkok (ayam = chicken) , "mom, do we have enough yard to put some ayam bangkok?"

or, to the most extreme case. one time, he suddenly came home carrying a box made of bamboos. And when my mom wondered what it was and he opened it slowly, I heard a high toned voice. guess what??
it was a snake.
"I bought it with my Rp100.000 ($10)." after he explained his best to my suddenly high tensed mom, he still had to take it out of the house.

Being such a silly, and having a stupid actions a lot does not define him as a stupid person. His sharp analyzing skill over something is perhaps his natural skill. For he does not read a lot of books or newspaper, I think his literature is his surrounding and movies sometimes. he have a quick focused look and observation over something, and made a point afterward. They do make sense and pretty accurate even on few point, i'm not quite sure. He often has a debate with my father which is a very rational person and both are quite sharp arguing their rational point.

After all those silly of him, I have witnessed him being in a quite long term unhappiness too. So yeah, even the happiest person has to get through it all. He sometimes came to my room and said something serious about his life to me, most of the times i did not know how to react, or too confused to express my words but that is okay for him he just need to have someone to listen.

He is such an authentic, a guy with a genuine soul. he expresses what he wants, not to the point of a total genuine but he is much more genuine than some people.

Beautiful soul is all around.
Hope you love your own soul well enough.

Meet this guy

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People Come and Go. (What's in between?)

Sometimes theory is not enough. in fact, it will never be, if not followed by some steps after. And sometimes, it is really difficult to have all of those words to implement in one's life. they are nice to read, gives the sensation of relief for some period of times, but soon when i am faced to a real thing in life that requires certain real skill, i still am fucked. in fact, more fucked because i know what is a right thing to do, yet none is done right.

and at that times, when you can not work theory because they only spins in your head, you need something more. something more solid, more real, and something that you can feel.

then someone comes to you, flowing the life through himself and show you that it is possible. comes from nowhere, this person that you don't know existence a second ago, gives you life-push! it is possible to do this and that, to be this and that. That person, open my eyes of all the possibilities in life. Showing me action that comes from authentic purpose of soul, radiates out. "Move! move! move!"

Since that moment, when you like someone because you purely like it and not because you want to be liked, you start to see. The beauty shows.

i have opened my eyes all since born but it felt like my vision got blurred as i grew up, as i added more and more years in my life. but now that my eye is a bit more opened, i got realized by another life surprise. it is that, those beautiful people are here, close. they are around. Mom, dad, brother, friends.

cliche? i know! but try this : distract your self of your future lover fantasy and start to see whatever and whoever is here now.

I spent most of my times thinking about other place when i'm in public. letting those window of abundance go. Letting those faces of stranger I passed by just gone with not any impression.

I saw my friends laughing. there was usually nothing more than the big smile and teeth that I am sometime bored to see :p. But when I look close, hey it is beautiful and my mind says "you are beautiful..  move on and love yourself. you should."

People are damn beautiful.

they come and (always) go. what's in between is all that important.

Not easy for me to love. I am faraway close to ideas of "lover". But hey I can't figure out any other thing that makes more sense than to love.

I put this quote on the page sidebar. But this quotes have too big relevancy i can't deny sharing.

Don’t ask what love can make, or can do.

Look at the colors of the world!

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty, and scared.

Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading.

Take down a musical instrument and start to play.

Let the beauty you love be what you do.

There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

Be patient.

-Rumi

This gives me a little goosebump : Let the beauty you love be what you do.

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Portrait Souls

I drew some portraits few years ago for myself and for order sometimes, but it actually went more for my excitement knowing that i was able to make something alive similar. But as I was unnable to control my mood and my-easy-distracted-side, I ended up dumping them for months before I could totally finish them. After being screwed of getting through all the ugly face proportion and bad shading, I was more being depressed instead of enjoying the process. My only enjoyment was the moment I could totally finished them and see the result. At that point I was even thinking how portrait and realism drawing was not good idea for me, because it used less imagination and its insist for similarity with the real figure. I couldn't express whatever I wanted.

But as time goes by, i got realized how realism and specially : portrait is actually more than that.

What's with those faces? This varies, of course. but as for me when portrait is looked right, we will somehow be remembered that we are not the only living thing in this world. we are not the only one who has big dream to achieve, who suffered, who have been hurt, who have been on the happiest state of life, who have been losing. Those wrinkles, those sparkles and glowing, are all signs of what they have been through. Throwing my sight on them has become one of way to rebuild the connection and expanding the horizon of life, for the smallness of self-centredness is somehow getting slowly blurred along the way. By really looking at others and find the beauty, we learn how to love and how to really see, instead of being too attached with goal to be seen.

Also, I was intensely seeing the stranger portait project done by few photographers on flickr.com . At first it was difficult to set myself like i'm interested with those strangers' faces. But apparently the caption they put is interesting enough to help me understand more, and to see more those face i did not know ever exist a second before. 

It is not so easy to recognize the beauty of other people if one is not used to.

Looking at their faces with no judgement, is a natural skill that digs equally to the amount of practice. it is taking effort, really, for people (like me) who used to compare one and other, and judge other people not in a nice way, not in a way that i wanna be judged. it is a soul project.

and as for the portrait drawing process... really, despite all of the accumulated seconds of enjoyment and relaxation seeing their faces, I still have to practice myself hard to set myself  being comfortable for the rest of hours. To stay relaxed and focused on their faces instead of flying away with my random unimportant childish babbling thoughts!

here are some samples of my portrait i had been working with, digitally but in manual way. actually this is also my attempt for face proportion study and color mix experiments.

This one is my first attempt of digital portrait. Her name is Carissa Perusset. Apparently I like her style and the way she is, though.. yeah dude I never meet her personally it was ask.fm that gave me a chance to know her. and she is surprisingly a year younger than me! (she is 16).


anyway, what do you think about her expression when you look close?

hahahahaha dude.

if you know me well, you should know this one. My brother!

He is one who had messing around with my stuffs and apparently, some of them are nowhere to be found afterward. But other than how messy and destructive he is, he is actually a guy i often feel envy with. He is kind of free expressing himself, freak yes, most of the times. He is this and that, you know, sometimes he can act and speak like a smart and wise dude, but sometimes ( a bit more)  his trapped freaky 5 years old nasty kid soul inside him is rushing out.

I posted this on instagram and he commented :

"BGST!" (means like BSTRD!) read : bastard.

and he said, "Why the f*ck did you draw me all so dark. Look at those lips, you give impression like I'm a smoker!"

well.

you smoke around 5 cigarettes a day, what can i say.

I am planning to have some more later. I had told my mate whose doing pretty well at photography to do the same through the lens. how cool is that? that is not a new thing but sounds pretty exciting for us. 

anyway I will have some few more of the drawing in near future, wait for the post!

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